Yes, I am hiding the newspapers in the back....

Ugh...In small town nowhere we are connected to reality by ferries. These ferries have a tendency to be late and thus so do the newspapers.  I have come to discover that in particular in males, after the age of 60 there is an urgent obsession with reading the paper (and no it CAN NOT be the online edition, it MUST be the paper version) So, here I am repeating "No paper today" "No paper today" "No paper today" like a damn friendly parrott.  The papers are not here, not on the shelf but this does not stop people from thinking that perhaps I have them hidden somewhere so they have to ask.  "Where are the papers?" Or "Are the papers here yet" (Dear sir or ma'am, yes the papers are here and I am hiding them.  They are in hiding because I love to hear "Where are the papers" and say "No papers today" and particularly because I thoroughly enjoy angry people, example "Well for chirst sakes! this is ridiculous! Where are they and when will they be here?" may I suggest getting a hobby, perhaps yelling at subordinate people as you seem so great at it. Then I really enjoy when a small group of octogenarians form in the front of my shop to discuss their fury and then when they leave call every half an hour to inquire if the paper has arrived, I love it.  Furthermore, I have hidden the papers for my own personal amusement, as the expression of utter confusion and helplessness on the elderly brings me joy...I think not.  The papers are not here, nor do I know where they are or when they  might arrive actually.  They just are not here, and that is the end of it.

No, you are not a winner....

So everyday there are hundreds of gambling addicts just waiting to throw away there money to the good old government.  These are the frequent questions that we are asked at work, over, and over, and over, and over....."Is this the winning ticket?" "Is this the lucky ticket?" "Only winners please" (what we are actually thinking: Dear Sir or Ma'am, you live in a town of around 24,000 people and your chances are on in a million so you figure out the odds...what we have figured out is if you were to play a double dip twice a week and a lotto max you would spend 1040.00 a year, if you have been playing lottery for 30 years that means you have wasted 31,200.00 in those 30 years. But, ofcourse we should average in some winners and some free plays so let's say that you win on average about 10.00 a month (which is generous) than you would still be spending about 20,000.00 on lottery in that 30 years,  so the luckiest mover you could make would be to put your money back in your wallet.  Furthermore, there is not lucky colour of scratch ticket, red is not luckier than green it is all in your head.  MOST IMPORTANTLY: Not I, nor any other cashier, is aware of which ticket is the winner, in particular if we did know which ticket was the million dollar winner pretty sure we would not be enthusiastically handing it over to you, virtual stranger.  No, we would be giving it to someone who truly deserved it that we cared about, which let's face it, is not you.  And, just don't even get me started on Keno....a junky is a junky no matter what form they come in)

Strange Fruit Tree Man

There is an odd man that frequents our shop.  My dad has some land of his for sale, fruit trees are the only thing on this property and the price is to high in this market for selling.  However, that does not stop this strange man, in his sixties with an assortment of odd Crocodile Dundee style hats in beige with the string haning around his face, coming in daily to discuss his property.  He also always wears bizarre shirts that say random things on them like "Expo 86"  his fashion is of highest quality as he incorporates these shirts, tucked into his chin high pants accompanied by a brown leather belt.  Here is my question, with your pants that high what's with the belt?? Seriously though here was our conversation the other day, or I should clarify his converstaion.  Strange Fruit Tree Man "So, do you like my pants?" (I have to also note at this time that his voice is high pitched simlar to an older Micheal Jackson) I did not have time to answer his question about his beige, pleated, older men's style of pant.  Strange Fruit Tree Man continues "Ya, these pants are great, I just got these pants from the thrift store for a dollar and they are really great for me because i like these types of pants and one dollar is a great deal and these are nice pants because they really suit me and pants like this are hard to find, did you know that? No you didn't" (At this point I was thinking "Dear Sir, I do not care about your hideous beige trousers, nor do I care that they were a steal at a whopping dollar, if I wasn't trapped behind this till I would run into the hills away from you and your rant about pants) But on the outside ofcourse you always stay chipper and say "No, I guess I didn't" the anger slowly builds.....